Quotes by Joan Rivers

My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.

Women should look good. Work on yourselves. Education? I spit on education. No man is ever going to put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.

If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.